The following is an excerpt from what I had written on September 27 2014. I don’t really know why I couldn’t complete and publish the entire thing. But this is how it goes:
“Kudos to the lord for making the most complex worlds of all. It really is so fascinating to see how our brains function. That one fine day you realize something and you go “OMG! I found the answer”, only to realize you were so wrong. I’ve just returned from my first ever gay party. I had never seen so many people making out around me. It was an “I’m happy for you guys but I still envy you kinda feeling”.
There is a certain sense of contentment in living in a world that doesn’t understand me. I like how I have to explain people that I’m a little different than you all. My uniqueness makes me happy and then when I’m surrounded by all these people who are very much like me, I feel similar. I lose out on the happiness of being different. All these years of me being different has made me fall in love with the unconventionality. It’s like I don’t want to blend in anymore. I want to stand out. Always!“
It’s been a while since I’ve been feeling like this. I don’t know why but for some reason I’ve been feeling pretty low. I had an interview this morning, which I feel like I didn’t give as much as I could have perhaps performed. “So tell us about you Anwesh,” and I just didn’t have an answer. How do I describe myself? I had an answer that I didn’t wanna say. It was just so controlled and restricted. I don’t know why but I absolutely couldn’t tell them much about why I was there and what was it that made me apply for that organisation. It was just awkward. And I kept feeling terrible about it the entire day. I was scared and I sort of kept walking on and on. I kind of walked through the entire circle of Connaught Place and I could have walked more. I didn’t want to come back. I kept thinking about how I could have performed better at the interview. I just kept cribbing which I hadn’t done for about a while now. I came back to college and felt a little better. I am scared!. Really scared! I guess I should take it easy for a while and stop over-thinking. I hope I find the answer. I hope I find happiness. Okay wait, isn’t hope happiness?
I kind of started writing this piece to remind myself of all those instances that make me feel awkward. So *drum rolls* and here goes the list:
- Those times when you’re sitting between two people who’re talking to each other and you just happen to believe that they are perhaps talking to you and you start answering them and then you finish and realize “Oh yeah! Of course. You guys were talking to each other.”
- When you pronounce Illinois as Ill-io-niss! ^_^ So there was this one time when I happened to be at the registration desk and there was this guy who’d come from the University of Illinois for a programming contest and I just went, “Yeah I know you’re from the University of Illionis.
- When you meet teachers at the restaurant that you went to have food to. (Fuck it! I can’t concentrate on the food anymore!)
- When you’re caught dancing to your favorite song in your bathroom by your sibling. Baaaeem! (How could I not lock the door! )
- When I start up with a word and then mid-way decide that I want to say the Hindi translation to it and I end up with—-> Be-he-tter. (Behetar + Better). Someone just took his Sanskrit lesson a little too seriously. Dekho maine sandhi aati hai.
- When you’re hanging out with your college friends and one of your friend meets his school friends. He goes on to introducing all his friends, looks at you, smiles at you and then doesn’t introduce you at all. Like what?! >_<
- Standing inside the lift with the people from your building who you recognize by face but don’t know them. You’ve seen them a zillion times. From Durga Pooja celebrations to Diwali celebrations. You’ve seen them at all the township gatherings, but then none of you have ever made the effort or been introduced. And the eternal loop of awkward meetings inside the lift continues!
- When your crush finds you disheveled.
- When you walk in for an interview without having thrown that coffee cup you’d ordered a while ago.
- When your interviewer is cute and you can’t focus on the questions he just asked.