That time I felt Awkward

When your classes get canceled, you head towards the Lotus Temple. Since that happens to be closed, you head towards India Gate, which also happens to be closed owing to the Republic Day celebrations this month. Final Destination? Bengali Market, with Apurba and Prerna

The following is an excerpt from what I had written on September 27 2014. I don’t really know why I couldn’t complete and publish the entire thing. But this is how it goes:

Kudos to the lord for making the most complex worlds of all. It really is so fascinating to see how our brains function. That one fine day you realize something and you go “OMG! I found the answer”, only to realize you were so wrong. I’ve just returned from my first ever gay party. I had never seen so many people making out around me. It was an “I’m happy for you guys but I still envy you kinda feeling”.

There is a certain sense of contentment in living in a world that doesn’t understand me. I like how I have to explain people that I’m a little different than you all. My uniqueness makes me happy and then when I’m surrounded by all these people who are very much like me, I feel similar. I lose out on the happiness of being different. All these years of me being different has made me fall in love with the unconventionality. It’s like I don’t want to blend in anymore. I want to stand out. Always!

    It’s been a while since I’ve been feeling like this. I don’t know why but for some reason I’ve been feeling pretty low. I had an interview this morning, which I feel like I didn’t give as much as I could have perhaps performed. “So tell us about you Anwesh,” and I just didn’t have an answer. How do I describe myself? I had an answer that I didn’t wanna say. It was just so controlled and restricted. I don’t know why but I absolutely couldn’t tell them much about why I was there and what was it that made me apply for that organisation. It was just awkward. And I kept feeling terrible about it the entire day. I was scared and I sort of kept walking on and on. I kind of walked through the entire circle of Connaught Place and I could have walked more. I didn’t want to come back. I kept thinking about how I could have performed better at the interview. I just kept cribbing which I hadn’t done for about a while now. I came back to college and felt a little better. I am scared!. Really scared! I guess I should take it easy for a while and stop over-thinking. I hope I find the answer. I hope I find happiness. Okay wait, isn’t hope happiness?

    I  kind of started writing this piece to remind myself of all those instances that make me feel awkward. So *drum rolls* and here goes the list:

  1. Those times when you’re sitting between two people who’re talking to each other and you just happen to believe that they are perhaps talking to you and you start answering them and then you finish and  realize “Oh yeah! Of course. You guys were talking to each other.”                                         
  2. When you pronounce Illinois as Ill-io-niss! ^_^   So there was this one time when I happened to be at the registration desk and there was this guy who’d come from the University of Illinois for a programming contest and I just went, “Yeah I know you’re from the University of Illionis.                                                                       
  3. When you meet teachers at the restaurant that you went to have food to. (Fuck it! I can’t concentrate on the food anymore!)                                                                                                   
  4. When you’re caught dancing to your favorite song in your bathroom by your sibling. Baaaeem! (How could I not lock the door! )                                                                                                                       
  5. When I start up with a word and then mid-way decide that I want to say the Hindi translation to it and I end up with—-> Be-he-tter. (Behetar + Better). Someone just took his Sanskrit lesson a little too seriously. Dekho maine sandhi aati hai.                                                                                 
  6. When you’re hanging out with your college friends and one of your friend meets his school friends. He goes on to introducing all his friends, looks at you, smiles at you and then doesn’t introduce you at all. Like what?! >_<                                                                                               
  7. Standing inside the lift with the people from your building who you recognize by face but don’t know them. You’ve seen them a zillion times. From Durga Pooja celebrations to Diwali celebrations. You’ve seen them at all the township gatherings, but then none of you have ever made the effort or been introduced. And the eternal loop of awkward meetings inside the lift continues!          
            
  8. When your crush finds you disheveled.                                                                                             
  9. When you walk in for an interview without having thrown that coffee cup you’d ordered a while ago.
  10. When your interviewer is cute and you can’t focus on the questions he just asked.

|| Game Of Colors ||

Happy Lohri people. This is what I wore for Lohri this year. Lohri is predominantly a Punjabi festival that celebrates Winter solstice.
Credits: Roopsa 😛 

 

I am tired. I am exhausted. Dressed in a maroon Kurta and Alibaba pants I enter my uncle’s place after a grueling train ride from Goa to Bhubaneswar. I give my aunts a hug and the first thing they say to me, “Look how dark you’ve become Anu!” Okay now this isn’t just repetitive but more importantly irritating. Everybody at my uncle’s place is just obsessed with a perfect white skin tone and for the past few years every time I enter the house, I’ve been listening to the same shit time and again. I really don’t like it. As far as I remember I’ve been brown all my life, and I do agree that I’ve gotten a lot more tanned in the last few years after I moved to Delhi, but it doesn’t bother me and I hate the fact that it unknowingly bothers me every time I listen to the same critique time and again. And then someone said to me, “You’re wearing a salwar? Girls wear salwar, not men!”. “Oh no! That’s a lungi“, said my maternal grandma. Anyways I like my skin color and I love my ‘Alibabas’. And that is all that matters. 😛

    “Black must never be worn at weddings”, said my mother to me once. From “We’re not buying black furniture or a black car,” to “India being the fourth largest exporter of black money”, we’ve certainly come a long way right?  Is black the new white?

    My love for the color pink is unconditional. But till 2012 I had been super-scared accepting that. I remember telling all my friends how much I hated the color, and to a lot extent had made myself believe that. Now when I think of it, it’s sorta funny. It’s just a color! Why would I be scared of my love for a color? Maybe because when I took a pink pencil case to my boards, everybody went, “Like seriously! Was that the only color you got? Be a man.”  Based on trust-worthy resources that include only my confused mind, it can be concluded that this collective prejudice and dislike for the color pink among boys is instilled from a very young age. Boys like blue, girls like pink. Men must never sit with their legs crossed. Men don’t dance. They don’t cry. Have you ever seen a mum buy pink Barbies for her son? It’ll happen someday though. Or maybe it has already happened somewhere in some part of the world. Well it happened with Jazz. Jazz is a transgender teen with the most amazing set of parents who allowed her to choose her gender rather than imposing one. Such parents, much respect!

    I’ve finally entered the fourth semester of engineering. And sitting through one of the lectures that I hardly listen to, I was reminded of the Java refresher module that we had to do as a compulsory course last semester. I didn’t even have the setup installed. Our professor came to me and asked me what I knew of the previous programming languages I had done. I knew shit. So I said shit and he got upset. He was pretty patient I must say. “You really don’t know much about computer science, do you? You need to work this out for your better”, and he moved on to the next student in doubt.  I did have the most difficult time going for my JEE coaching classes back in 2011. I felt sad, discouraged, hopeless, hapless and every adjective one could come across to describe everything sad. It was bad. Sitting through four hours of nothingness trapped in a dingy cell full of aspiring engineers and bright minds, cursing myself for not being half as intelligent as they were. Sometimes, well I guess more often than not, I didn’t even know what to ask. Currently I don’t know what is it that I should be asking as a doubt. Like you need to know something to ask something worth asking! That was when I had done only an year of engineering. Two and a half years to go now. How on earth am I supposed to do this? We’ll see. At least this isn’t as bad as those saddening gray walls of my coaching center. That’s how I keep myself going.

Peace in.