*Jack for Jill and Everything in Between*

The midsems are over and I’m back to business. 😉

While reading the Facebook posts by SHE- the gender sensitization community by IIT DElhi, I came across this very amazing post on ‘”Power-puff girls’ (which also happened to be my favorite cartoon back then). I had completely forgotten about “HIM”. Perhaps the only transgender character in the cartoons back then. I mean PPG was like so defining the new normal. Girls becoming saviors, a transgender character and then when Mojo-Jojo tries making their male-counterparts, it only gets worse. The boys make chaos all around and the girls trying their best to put it all together. Like that post just made my day. Made me so so happy that I belonged to an era when kids watched such empowering stuff.

I’ve always felt that when we talk about the LGBT community, we completely forget about the ‘T’ in it. It’s always like “I have a gay/bi/lesbian friend and am very cool with it, but am still not sure about the transgenders”. And to be very honest I still get a lot of flak for my adherence and fascination with heels. Trust me it’s very easy to just say “I accept you for being gay” but equally difficult to live with it. There’s nothing wrong about anybody wanting to wear what they wish to especially when it gives them happiness. I’ve lately been coming across this categorization of gay men as “straight-looking and straight-acting” and the “feminine ones” more often by gay men themselves. I’m still not sure if the categorization is a problem, but the common hatred for effeminate men is a big NO-NO! A lot of people do this and I find it ridiculous. Even more ridiculous when homosexuals do this. I mean it is already difficult to make the straight people accept us, and you are being super-insensitive by not standing by your own people. Acceptance will come only when we blend in. Not when we make multiple groups and then keep discussing how difficult the world has been to us inside that same group. I completely support the fact that such queer communities are very important. I got my share of peace when I joined one of these. I love how I can go to such queer community meetings and feel at home. There’s a completely different vibe altogether. Everybody is happy, everybody’s all cheerful. It feels extremely good when you meet someone who’s been through the same shit. The discussions that take place are equally important. But not forever and ever. I really hope that we can someday reach out to more people not just like us but also the heterosexual people who are generally unaware of what’s going on in this ‘parallel foreign’ land of the Queers.

This one’s actually a very complex concept. When I fail at something, I do want someone to console me and tell me that it is completely fine to fail. But I also don’t want to hear that all the time. For once I want someone to tell me that I FAILED! I need to buck up ’cause there are so many people who’re better than me. This is where “You never win a silver, you always lose a gold” thing comes in. Pretty brutal eh?

Okay so I started writing this piece because I came across something super-frustrating that people do. I mean like why on earth would you ever do that?! Liam Payne’s (yes he’s very cute ^_^) nude pictures are doing the rounds on Internet also leading to people speculating about his sexuality. This is like so not done! And when he tweets something like:
“I’m 100% not homophobic. But I’m also 100% not gay so when somebody says I am I’m gunna say I’m not which does not make me a homophobe”

people go “OMG! He’s sucha homophobe”. I mean dude! You need to shut the eff up. Even I do not like being asked by my acquaintances (who’re not aware of my sexuality) about my girlfriends again and again. And I’ve been asked this question since I was like 5 or so. It is really frustrating. It’s not like I hate straight people or anything, but then if I am gay, I’d prefer being understood like one. Why do we have to keep speculating who is what? Why can’t we just let people be? In fact why do we even have all these different “labels”. What’s worse is that someone’s doing this to degrade his image in the public eye. Something that was so prevalent when I had joined college an year back. Almost every other guy’s Facebook account was being hacked with people writing “I am gay” on his wall. You need to know that gay people exist and associating any man with gay men does not make them less respectable. They’re all simple humans with different tastes. Some like Jack, some like Jill, some like both and some like neither. The world will be so much better when every individual out there would no more be affected by being associated to the queer community and women. Because no gender is inferior and femininity and weakness are not interchangeable. That is what “The Effeminare” is all about. 😉

I’ve recently had this realization of sorts and I’m really happy to have been able to understand this finally. There is absolutely no one on earth who’s going to be as good to you as your parents. And am like so not trying to act as the perfect son to my parents, because am not. They might seem mean at times and might seem to be the most frustrating set of people, (don’t tell me you haven’t felt that even once) but trust me on this, there’s no one coming to your rescue when you’re all caught up in your life and need to find a way out. So from the next time on, you better be good to your mummy-papa. 😉 

Another thing. It is so so important to stand by the decisions we make and not be all impulsive. If I made a decision that I didn’t wanna do something then I so need to stick to it and calm down. Just because you see someone doing it and feel like “Maybe I should’ve done that, ’cause that looks so much cooler than what I do” does not give you the right to give up. Remember that when you made a decision, God stood by you and made you do it because that was going to get you somewhere better. And no matter how bad the situation is today, it will only get better. Peace in. 🙂 

Straight Crush ^_^

Perhaps the most difficult part about falling for someone is getting over them. It’s the most beautiful feeling when you could just think of being with that person and just take in that moment only to realize that it would never happen. Effing feelings! I hate being rejected. And I guess everyone of us would agree with me on that. We all want to win. We all want to be able to have everything that we want. And there is nothing so selfish in wanting to have everything, I mean why not?! Our needs are endless but the important thing to take into consideration is whether we’re being selfish. My needs should never be at the cost of his/her needs, emotions and sentiments. It should as well not be based on what he/she has and what I don’t. You must need it, because you need it, and not ’cause that person has it. Similarly it is as important to plan our future according to the way our minds function.

Being sec C 😉

One of my school teachers had very aptly quoted, “You don’t get what you desire but what you deserve”. He has the most amazingly quotable quotes one could ever come across. I mean this is just so true! I need to make myself deserving enough to be able to live with what I want.

So some days back, I made a new friend (who I fell for) but he happened to be straight and it felt like shit. For the first time I had fallen for someone not because of the way he looked, but because of who he was. And it really felt like love. And it felt super awesome. I was like, “This is how I want my partner to be”. The silver lining is the fact that at least I now know the kind of guy I want. Guess that is the reason I fell for him. That is how I think life becomes easier. I obviously know that I cannot expect him to love me back. But we must always learn to make the unpleasant experiences our lessons of wisdom. It is these unpleasant moments that define us. I’ve also noticed that I tend to fall for people who are hard to get. The real truth is that we are all desperate sexual beings. All of us want it as much, it’s just that it is easier for some of us to get it and more difficult for others. But I still can’t stop wanting the things that I don’t have. That is the funniest part of it all.

The easiest way of getting over your straight crush is learning to accept the truth. When I know that I would only end up wasting my energy by thinking of him over and over again, then it is best to move on and focus on better things in life. So the next time you feel horny and want to make love and have no one to make love, just breath in and look around and then read this, “Expect the best. But be prepared for the worst. :P”. Another quote by my quotable quotes waale sir. 😉

|| Wearing Skin Over Bones ||

I was halfway through Les Misérables  when something struck me and I sat down to write this. The movie depicted the poor in France during eighteen hundreds and the years during and following the French Revolution. And unfortunately our Golden bird looks pretty similar today to what France was almost two hundred years ago. My father belonged to a family of farmers and often told me stories of how he’d take one rupee with him to buy the grocery and vegetables for  his family for a week while he was a teenager. To be very honest my father’s village hasn’t really come a long way. People are still struggling to make their ends meet. There is still no hospital. There is still not much happening with the school and with the way the competition and the prices are quadrupling every year, his homeland would probably vanish in the thin air. There is no food and when there is, there is no quality.


      I very clearly remember this woman who used to work at our place for about an year when I was about eleven. I had recently read about the kind of adulteration that was prevalent in the food industry in India. I came back home and told my mum about it and she consoled me that the oil we got was good quality. I went into my maid’s kitchen and I saw a bottle of mustard oil worth fifteen rupees. You could smell and tell it was adulterated. She had no money to buy food to feed her son and herself. A majority of the people in Odisha eat pakhala- an Odiya dish consisting of steamed rice mildly fermented in water. She had nothing to eat her pakhala with. Just rice and water! Every time I go out and as I’m climbing the stairs of the Metro, I see these little kids begging for food. It feels like shit. And this one time there were these two little girls and they were asking me for water. I mean, they don’t even have water to drink! Food for them is luxury. And it’s beyond difficult for me to be indifferent to how this has been for all these years. I get to listen to all these stories of how this is a plan and a trick but I really don’t care if it is. Because no matter what, there is hunger and we need to do something about this. Even if I buy them food, I know I can’t do that forever, especially when I don’t earn. Every time you walk out of your house, you come across them again and again and again. Twenty first century and how? Still no food. And it’s not just about food. It’s the entire system that needs to be edited. The people need to know that there is something beyond just sustainability. Life isn’t all about earning to feed, it’s more about living.
      While I went for my coaching classes this year during the summers, I used to come across a girl in salwar-kameez selling flowers, which were not more than 5 or 6 of them. The little flower girl is perhaps for me one of the most striking pictures of hunger in India. She was there everyday. She slept there, had her food there (which was barely there) and took rest under the scorching heat so that she could earn enough money to feed her. I’ve always been vocal about my dream of being able to live in a world of Utopia where I get to live a life of freedom and get to be able to be who I am without having to care about the judgmental minds. And then I come across this world on this extreme end which has probably not moved an inch since the stone age. It makes me cringe to see so many empty stomachs with only their skin to cover their bones. India is like a bicycle loaded with empty shining vessels. There is no deficiency of human resource, but there are too many empty vessels to fill. It reminds me everyday of how blessed I am to have the kind of parents I have who’ve provided me with so much more than I could have asked for. *Touchwood*. To me this is like a driving force. I want to make myself able enough to give something back to the world and the children of God. All the things that their parents are perhaps not able to fulfill due to hunger. Sometimes I feel like closets were never made for people. Closets are for fear, hunger and the fear of hunger. Lock it up and throw the keys into the eternal sea. 

Un-Fair and Lovely

I think there are already so many people who’ve written about this and spoken about this that I don’t think I can really add much to it or write something better than what has already been written. But recently a lot of it has happened to me and I really felt the need to write about this. It’s unfortunate that we live in a kind of society where due to some reason we just assume that the dark-skinned people are somewhat less efficient than their fair counter-parts. It’s always like I have to put in that extra effort to make myself more visible in a class. I do agree that a lot of the girls might have had far more difficult experiences than guys, especially because of this notion of “Only fair girls are good girls”. But I guess it’s more general than we think it is, at least in India.

Courtesy: http://www.blacklabelsociety.com

      I remember this one incident of when I was very young, like 8 or 9 years old. I don’t belong to a family of milky-white skinned people. So we were this group of people who were always kinda looked-down upon. My mother lived in a joint family where my other two Nana ji’s  family had more white than brown colored people. And I think it saddens me furthermore when I see that it’s still happening. So yeah, getting back to the incident. My Nana ji or Ajaa (as I call him) were finding a match for my mum’s sister or my aunt. I remember multiple incidents of people around me asking her to use these fairness products and some stupid tele-shopping product to lighten her skin color. She used to use multiple face packs before sleeping, and now when I think of it, I feel pathetic about the kind of things she had had to go through. There’s this mentality that you either have to be white or study extremely well to be able to be a perfect candidate for marriage. I mean eff this mentality. Like just cut the crap and breathe in. Marriage is not the ultimate destiny! I absolutely hate it when I go back and all these people around me be like, “You’ve grown darker. You don’t look good anymore.” Not that I hardly give a shit to this shit, but I am human and it’s kinda little demeaning to me and does affect my self-esteem. And this very recent incident where a mum of my friend was like, “Anwesh! Tu inna kaala sa ho gaya hai. Ajeeb sa lag rahaa hai“. I mean Urghhh! Seriously! -_-

Even among friends. I’ve got that so many times. Like, “You guys make a good mono-chromatic couple”. I don’t know about the straight people in general, but for gay men, when you’re out and about and are searching for a date, it’s like, “NO Dark-Chocolates”. I mean just take your effed up mind and put it back into the closet you got it from. Lock it in and throw the keys into the sea. Just go do that!

      And I actually find it funnier when I come across people who be like, “I toh love dark people more than I love the white ones.” The thing is, you don’t have necessarily say things like I like black people more than white people to please me. You can love them equally, and just learn to be less judgmental about it. It’s actually worse when you’re at school. I had this friend who was dark-skinned and there was this teacher who went, “Oh My God! You scored so well. I really didn’t think you were so good at it.” And this was almost like when half the year had come to an end and she had already taken note of all the white kids. That friend of mine had been performing exceptionally well. Just the fact that she was black took her like half an year to make an impact. There’s already so much racism happening around the globe. Ab intra-racial discrimination bhi karoge toh kaise chalegaa? I think we can like so so fix this. It’s just that we need to edit our minds a little. There’s no bleaching product on earth that would make you go milky-bar ever. SO stop wasting all that money on Fairness products. And don’t you dare be like, “I only want a ‘fair and lovely’ girl for my son”. Keep calm and love all colors. 

|| When I Came Out To My Teacher ||

During the days when taking up Science was a prestige issue and when cracking JEE Mains was every teenager’s ultimate goal, there lived a guy named Annie. Annie was a loner. Annie stunk at sports. And Annie loved to eat. Annie had two girl friends named Niki Minaj and A-Rushi.  They were together known as the Sexy Geeks. But nobody knew of their special powers. They had the hugest appetite on earth for sex-related- gossips. They could gossip all day long. But they were first benchers and hence were considered naïve.

I never knew I had John Lennon glasses, that too with red frames. Isse kehte hain “Hip-Hop” #BeingDesiKalakaarSince1995 😛

                One fine day while Annie was sneaking into A-Rushi’s bag for her Tiffin box, his heart almost sunk into his stomach. A-Rushi and Niki Minaj were holding hands. A-Rushi hugged Niki Minaj and acknowledged that she had feelings for Niki Minaj. And then they gave their boards to live a happily ever after. Annie was shocked and was in despair. The two girls he had loved so much had now apportioned their love in the ratio of 1:4, with the lower proportion assigned to Annie and the higher one for ‘Food’. But Annie didn’t give up. He accepted that “Change was indeed the only constant”, and that he had to accept and adapt to the new situation. He continued a life of sneaking into A-Rushi’s bag for her lunchbox. But there was another thing that bothered him more. He had become suicidal. He preferred C6H6O (refer to your Chemistry books if you don’t remember :P) over milk and Canteen ka khaana over Maa ke haath ka Khaana. He told one of his teachers he felt differently. Porn had given him the kind of enlightenment that his elders couldn’t. He had realized that humans had sex a lot more often than the number of kids they required. He cried and cried and cried. With tears in his eyes, he asked his teacher for help. She took him to the School counselor.
Counselor: So what is it? You’re Annie right?
Annie: Yes. ^_^ It’s just that I feel like I haven’t felt like the way I should’ve felt.
Counselor: Just say it. -_-
Annie: I think am asexual. (Yeah right! Like why would you do that Annie?)
Counselor: I’ll ask you something personal. Have you ever masturbated?
Annie: (Hain? She just asked me that. She’s like the coolest teacher ever. I’m so glad I had Googled this once.) No!  (Bwahahahahahahahahaha. ROFL! Can’t believe I just did that. Like how did I so convincingly shake my head?)
Counselor: Ahem!  Oh okay. So you’ve never felt that way for anybody?
Annie: Nope! (I know I just did that again).
Counselor: Like never felt sexually for anybody?
Annie:  No. #FacePalm
Counselor: (With an “I know you’re lying kinda look on her face”) Look, I think you’re concentrating too much on studies. So you feel pressurized and feel like you don’t have the time for this. It’s fine. Completely fine. Like take your time. Take some rest. It’s good that you’re concentrating so much.
Annie: (Speak something Annie. Make sure you seem as if you’ve got it all and she’s solved the problem) Yes ma’am. I think I got it. I guess I think too much of what tomorrow’s going to be like. I’ll keep all the things you’ve said to me in my mind. Thank you ma’am.

The session had come to an end and Annie be like “Imma Fu*k Cool” #Swag 
                                                                   ****HAPPYS ENDINGS****

Delhi Metro – The Ride of Your Life?

It’s 7:45 in the morning and I’m in the Delhi Metro. I’ve thankfully gotten a seat but deep down there’s a tinge of fear. Fear, because I have a test, a viva and an assignment submission to be made. And more importantly because of what happened 2 days back. While I was travelling to Noida, a Delhi security official was asking a woman (a supposed suspect) to leave the Metro premises since she had been on the platform for more than an hour, and the officials didn’t want to take the risk since the Metro is on *High alert*. The metro has received threats. Interestingly I wasn’t as scared then as I am now.

    Millions flock towards the Delhi Metro Station everyday for work, school, college, and more important things that I can’t think of now (Oh wait, I found one. How could I forget this! Dates J) . Some also take the metro for a pleasure ride (remember the Metro sex scandal?). Everybody wants to experience the Metro. It’s fun. The way everybody around you is in a hurry makes it all the more fascinating. You don’t know any of these people and yet you travel and sit together in peace to reach your final destination. Okay, so where was I? The threats! It’s almost like you’re travelling and travelling and travelling and Boom! The lives of millions down the drain in the flash of  a second. And I’m mind-mindbogglingly befuddled at this thought. Why would anybody do that to anybody? Why so much hatred? Why can’t we just happily co-exist? More than the concept of patriotism, religion, communities there is that one common thread of humanity and compassion that binds us together. Why do we act so blind? There’s obviously a lot more to the entire story than I could possibly see. During the Mumbai attacks back in 2008 and the whole Kasab related fiasco, I remember coming across this excerpt of how the young boys are sent to be trained for such attacks. Sometimes the families are paid a gazillion sum for letting their boys into this. I’m only an observer and I have no idea how it works.

PC: Nandika’s iPhone
(I know clicking photos in the Delhi Metro isn’t allowed. But I just sneaked in! ;))

    I really don’t like it when I see little kids begging all around for money and food. I mean it’s beyond sad to see how lives around us are completely at this level of extreme poverty. And I can’t even do anything about it. But this time it really struck me. There were three little girls not more than eleven years old. One of them very well dressed in her school uniform- a blue skirt and a white shirt. She came running towards me and asked me to pay for her school fee. She gave me a sheet of paper. I paid thirty rupees, wrote my name and walked into the station. She kept looking at me with the most heart-broken look on earth. I simply couldn’t stop thinking! The worst part was confusion. The government of our country provides free education to underprivileged kids till the age fourteen. Why does she still have to beg for her school fee? This is not a blame-game. I don’t wanna blame anybody for this because I don’t even know how a country actually functions. But I just hope it gets better. I don’t want to see little girls begging for education outside metro stations.

    Metro is in the truest sense the ride of your life.  With all the colorful people around, with every being having a distinct story to tell. There is pace, rush, drama, enigma, disappointment and ecstasy. It’s like the perfect recipe for a perfect show. The smoky eyes, the dark circles, the first timers, the quirky prints, the (flaunting of my “cool”) shades inside the metro, the “The Fuck- He’s shit Hawt” kinda guys, to “I don’t give a shit” kinda uncles. I hope all of this never comes to an end. Let the Metro be immortal. Long live our Metro! :*

|| The Receptionist ||

The technical fest at my college was in full swing last week. It was absolutely crazy and then we didn’t have classes for a day, which is a huge relief given the fact that I have classes everyday from 9 to 5. And they said engineering was fun! Yeah, right. *-_-*

Amod has clicked all of these pictures. This one’s with the very hot and happening Salko. I finally got her picture clicked. She’s usually shy. :*

    College is fun though. There’s freedom, which I absolutely adore about our college. But then it’s definitely nothing like Kuch kuch Hota hai. The first class isn’t going to be like, “Toh pyaar kya hota hai?” Okay so getting back to reality.  I love fests. One of the major reasons being the fact that there are so many people who visit your college. And I get to see, ahem! “More good looking men than usual”. And this time the experience just got better. Not a man entered our college without giving me his number or without speaking to me. 😛

    Yes you heard me. I was at the reception desk. The job obviously  isn’t everybody’s cup of tea. But it seemed like the best job to me. Sitting with your computers on. Getting to be all dressed up the entire day. Speaking to all the colorful people around you as if you know the entire encyclopedia. This was the only time I’ve had the answers to all the questions I was asked. Good WiFi speed meant I could also watch and re-watch the pretentious movie reviews. (I know Kanan Gill is hot!) 😛

Just a word of advice to all the people who would be joining colleges in the future. Make sure you become a part of such fests at your college. There is always so much to learn. Trust me it’s going to be absolute fun and you’ll carry all these memories with you forever. Good Luck! 🙂

Maji Maji Maji! And his friend at the back who thinks I look like VJ Andy ^_^

|===The Guilt Trip===|

That one question that frustrates me to the core is a question that my mum asks me most often. “How is it that you don’t enjoy engineering? Everybody is doing it, right? Then how is it that you don’t?”

I don’t get angry very often. I used to as a kid. But anger and I don’t go hand in hand anymore. It is pretty tough to invoke that within me, and I couldn’t be more glad. *Touchwood*. I absolutely hate one thing about me. That Guilt! It’s like you want to do shit to things and people but you can’t. It’s that feeling of “Nothing brightens up my day as much as your absence in the room”. People do shit to you, but your conscience stops you from doing it back to them. And at times when you do give in to your anger and say things to people, you feel like shit. I call it the “Shit Paradox“. You can’t do shit to people, and when you do, you feel like shit. Too much shit. But shit happens.

  To new friends, happiness and the acceptance that comes with it. This is me 
with a friend that I made recently. It’s always encouraging to have people who accept you the way you are. #Selfie 
       We live in a weird and wonderful world. A more forward one, where most of the things that were considered taboo then, are acceptable now. And when in such a situation, your parents tell you you’re wrong, it compels you to question your conscience. Am I doing it right? I recently came across this video of Nancy Deloye Fitzroy- the first female student to become a chemical engineer. She spoke about the kind of struggle she’d been through and the kind of stereotypes she had to fight to get through her education. I wondered how it would’ve been back then for people of the Queer community to have been able to do the things that they wanted to. The peaceful co-existence of just men and women has already been super-tough. The happy and equal existence of the third gender still seems a little difficult to me. But then yeah, hope is everything. I just hope that I get to live in a world where people like me will happily co-exist. I wish we had an app that could tell us if we were doing it right. I mean the eff man! This is so confusing. Why do we have to make decisions all the time. Deciding is so tough. 

      So recently I’ve been able to meet a lot of new people. And it’s been super fun. I like being able to live the best of both the worlds. Like I’m not indifferent to any section of people. I love being with women and I have more girl friends than boy friends. I have to live in the boys hostel, so I started being friends with guys. And getting to go to queer community meetings is always a blessing. And I don’t know why but everybody wants relationship advice from me- a person who has had no prior experience in any such real human relationship. (Virtual? May be! ) 😛