MORAL OF THE STORY: Pretty Faces Rule? Naah! Pretty Hearts any day Rule! 😉 😀
Some days back I spoke to some one very special to me. Some one who loves me a lot more than I could think of. That person is some one I look up to. That person’s resilience made me fight my biggest fear. But that person, let’s just name that person say, Ex. Ex asked me to stop making my articles so public. Ex wanted me to be out, but not so quick. Ex wanted me to maintain a more private life. For my homosexuality according to Ex would make me distant. Distant from my roots. After all acceptance doesn’t come at once. It is a process. When I sit down to type, I’m not thinking of how my blog will make the world go upside down. I type for acceptance. I type for awareness. That might just get the world go upside down, after all you never know! 😉
I sat down to watch Milk, the 2008 american movie based on the life of one of the most incredible man who ever lived. Milk is not just a movie. It’s an experience. A movie so incredibly real, you could almost see the amount of effort that goes into making something as notable and wonderful as Milk. By the end of it I couldn’t stop crying. And I never in my life have ever cried watching a movie. Sean Penn is beyond perfect playing Harvey Milk. That one thing that keeps striking you is the character. I cannot imagine the amount of trouble and mess that people must have gone through to keep things going during the seventies. Even till the early nineties, it was only the gay people who supported themselves.Only ten percent of the entire of the world, supported themselves. Imagine the kind of life where you have no one to tell you you’re not wrong. But Milk had hope and he taught everyone out there to live by it.
I came across the movie Milk while watching the 2009 Academy awards which I FYI was watching only because Slumdog Millionaire had been nominated for an Oscar. I was still closeted back then. I didn’t even know I was gay back then (I didn’t know the way I felt was called gay) and I don’t think I could have ever imagined the kind of influence this movie would someday have on me. I feel sad when I see the amount of people who’ve fought for gay rights and then the way it is still perceived in India. And why just India? There are so many countries where there is still so much to be done. Now there’s no time to be tired. Let’s pull up our socks and get going. There’s so much work to be done.
My biggest fear in life would be the fear of not being able to live it to the fullest. I want to be able to do what I want to do each and every moment of my life. I want to be energetic and young always. And something within me tells me I can. We all can. There are moments when you feel this is not going good. This could be so much better. And then you feel pathetic. You feel like shit. But then we’re all humans. It is okay to have such meltdowns. Just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you are headed. #ReadThatOnFacebook. Yes, sometimes even “Facebook-ing” can help. I read this somewhere and I want to believe this is true. One can’t wait and think, “Let the perfect time come. Just ex years more. It’ll be great then”. This very moment that you’re living in is that perfect moment. So yeah stop cribbing!
Sometimes having to wait can be tough. Sometimes heart-breaks can be worse. And failures, oh Crap! That is personal stuff! 😛 I’ve always wondered why can’t things be always great? Why can’t every man you fall in love with be yours. Why can’t I always win? Why didn’t I have all the barbies in the world as a kid? Why do I have to fight? But I’ve fallen in love with this fight. Life’s like so not fun with the fights. So let’s be all energetic and Bring it On!
May everything bad get the best out of you. Let one of your limitations be your strength. 🙂 Believe yourself. And yeah, hope is every thing.
Another thing. This one’s more of a confession. I am extremely awkward while talking to men. More pathetic when they’re wearing their smarty pants. It’s like someone just blow dried me with chilling cold air. I become devoid of all my vocabulary and expression. And I speak of all the shit you could come across on earth. So the year that passed by has been an year full of broken closets for me. And that would be more metaphorical than literal and on more levels than one. That reminds me of the days at school when the teacher gave your script to another contestant who’d come for the debate competition that you as well went to audition for, only to make you feel like a Smelly cat. But you know it’s not your fault. And this has nothing to do with what I’m gonna type next. It’s good when you can make a transition from a world where you can so not think of anything interesting happening to you, to the one where you at least have a vision. Vision to me is more like a necessary evil. Sometimes I cannot think of anything other than it, but that also becomes the silver lining. Okay so enough of philosophy, let’s get back to my pals.
Thankfully I have a set of friends who’re very good to me. But then I do get some very…. Well let’s just have a look:
Baccha: Uh! Just so that you know, am Gay.
Pal-response(PR) #1: Wow I would have never known you were gay. You look so straight!
(Baccha says: Crap! Why was I even trying to act straight all these years? I’m such an effortless actor. Knew it. Thank You.)
PR #2: I am just curious. Is there something different about your body?
(Baccha says: Yes. I might just have a cave down there. I mean STFU!)
PR #3: Wait you’re not attracted to me right?
(Baccha says: You didn’t hear me. I’m gay not desperate. And no you’re not that pretty :P)
PR #4: If you ever get into a relationship, will you be the husband or the wife?
(Depends yaar! On special occasions I like receiving gifts. But when it’s someone’s birthday, or may be when it’s Christmas I don’t mind giving one.)
PR #5: Aren’t you afraid you’ll get HIV?
(You either didn’t have your share of sex education or you have still not hit puberty.)
PR #6: So how will you have kids?
(It’s not always about reproduction, it’s more about recreation :P)
PS: Remember that people are always going to be awful. And this is not just about gay men and women. But they can be your strength. Let them be your stepping stones and as I always say, “It does get better”.
At school I always wanted to be with the cool kids. The people who had a cool set of friends like the one they had in *Friends*. The truth is we are all misfits and our weaknesses and limitations are our strength. No one’s perfect. We are all trying to lead the near perfect life. That is what keeps us going. Some have to fight racism, diseases, break-ups, while others have to suffer abuse and embarrassment. I told a guy, a year younger to me, that I had joined Kathak (an Indian classical dance form) for my self-growth credits and he was quick to answer me back, “Aren’t you ashamed of going for the classes?” Another friend of mine asked me if there was something different about my body. Earlier it befuddled me how unaware some of us were. It doesn’t bother me anymore. Words are powerful. Very very powerful. And we need to keep a check on them. If you are unaware and speak something stupid, that is still pardonable. But knowing and not responding accordingly is sheer stubbornness. I don’t mind being called a girl, a bisexual, a transgender, or any other fancy sexuality you can associate me with. For me what matters the most is whether am being good enough as an individual.
I usually don’t look back and analyze things because I’m not going that way. But I like how I’ve made friends with my bullies. They were just unaware. I’m not upset and I don’t want to be angry. I was once. But I no more am. Anger makes things and situations messier. Don’t crib over how imperfect things were or are. Nobody had a perfect childhood. Nobody had the perfect prom. Nobody is going to get it all. We can only prioritize.
Every situation we go through is a well calculated measure by god. He’s given us a wonder bucket full of hope and talent. And he’s given us a little mug of problems. Sometimes the mug devours on our hope and faith. More like the way how fire feeds on oxygen. We are all mutants with special powers. My father once told me that human beings are the greatest creation of God. We’re lucky to be born as humans. Our superpower is the hope that we live with. Save it up. Preserving it is the key to success. Don’t let the mug take over the bucket. Don’t let the mug empty your wonder bucket. You can make it big. You will make it big. End of story.