Benim Yakışıklı Adam

He has the most magnificent brown eyes,
I could so effortlessly vanish into them.
Those fine delicate lines that guard his eyeball,
Like a splash of bright light on a dark winter moon,
And how I’d never want to find my way out.
He must smell like murraya mixed with Spanish marjoram,
Or may be cologne.
With his exhilarating voice he made me fall on my knees
His lush black hair with streaks of mocha
Made me fondle his hair,
The cafunè they say in Brazil,
His smile would melt my heart.

His fragile and cotton soft face
Carved by the mightiest and the wisest of the Lords.
One fine day he must come dressed in velvet and jewels
I’d wear a jacket with  an eternal cape
That would be royally blue pashmina adorned with jade
The touch of satin on your face,
Yes! And the way it must softly glow
Your arms wrapped around me
I feel like I can live like that forever
I know you’d come
I know we’d meet
I know how you’d hold my hand
And how my fist would perfectly fit into your’s
Seni cok uzladim!
Seni dusuniyordum
Bende seni seviyorum.

A Seven on pH

Three weeks back I asked my roomie a question. I gave him 2 options and asked him to take sides. He said, “I can’t. I can’t take sides. I am bad at making decisions. ” And then I started explaining him how important it is to take sides and not opt for the mid-way. One can’t always be on both sides of the shore, right? Is that it?
    Three weeks since then I started thinking about it and felt as if I was wrong. I wish I could take the neutral stance at times. That makes it easier. To be bad or to be good is a question that keeps nagging me all the time. And I feel that I need to alter my conscience a little bit. That is also because I’m fed up of being guilty for even the smallest of the fights that I have with my peers. I hardly have fights for that matter. I really don’t have fights. I don’t know how that works. But am glad. Though I loved it when some of the guys would have a fight for no reason. It was the funniest sight for me. I absolutely loved it! And I was pretty guilty about that too. As in liking the fights, coz we’re supposed to be non-violent. It’s an OCD, I guess. ^_^
    So talking about black or white. What I’ve come to realize is that you cannot really label anybody good or bad. I want to be good, but I can’t help being bad either. I’d rather be a seven on pH. But yes, there has to be more good to you than bad. That way even if I commit mistakes I don’t feel as bad as I used to. It’s okay to be wrong at times, but it is more important to learn from such instances. I’ve always felt that I was too good at school. And that didn’t work in my favor at all times. I eventually got fed up of being so. That just made my life a little boring.

    But yeah, I’ve always hated the feeling of guilt and sometimes the hopelessness that comes with it. I haven’t been able to make any posts about the following until today. Sometimes being neutral might not always be the correct thing to do. I heard this from a friend of mine. According to her a gay friend of hers who is married to a woman is leading a happily married family life. Yes, you heard me correct. It’s a family! A child born out of consensual sex. I don’t even remotely know how that works. To be brutally honest, “That is a crime!” Like seriously this is one issue that frustrates me to the core. How can anyone on earth be so weighed down by the notions and the stereotypes of the society? This isn’t good. This is like so not good. This is like a straight woman doing it with a woman. Or a straight man doing it with a man. Not happening, right? Don’t you dare think that you’d be able to suppress your homosexuality through your marital status. Your conjugal bond to a woman will only make things worse. You are not just killing yourself but her too. She doesn’t deserve all that crap. So please! If you are in such a relationship or if you’re married, and you know you’re gay then you need to go and talk to your partner about it before you’re caught red-handed watching gay porn by your partner. Seriously people, I mean it! If you’re still in a relationship and not married then you must let her know about it and break-up asap. Better now than later. Better now than never. The same applies for any member of the queer community. You would never be able to do that.

    And if you’re a bisexual, talk to your partner about it first and make sure she/he is okay with it. If you have confusions, talk to yourself first. If you’re too busy to do that, go talk to a counselor. I personally believe in the former option. The counselor will make you feel better only for an hour or so. But you live with yourself. There is possibly no one who can help you better that your own self. I have personally been to two counselors. That didn’t help (also because I hardly answered anything correctly to my second counselor 😛 J ).

Moral Of the Story: Don’t be scared to be who you are. You are the best when you learn to live in your own skin. All the Best! 😀
PS (Edited Version): Since my dear friend Rupam mentioned about it, I thought I must share it with every body. Because if this has really happened, then this is sad and needs to change!

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The above pic is from one of Westboro Baptist Church’s protests. They protest at funerals of children, military personnel and pretty much anyone they can think of. They blame the death of everyone and anyone on gay people and Jews.

What I Wear Is Your Business!

     So it’s been a while since I’ve been wanting to write about this. And I’m so glad as I finally sit down to write about this. I’m not a closeted individual. My life is pretty much an open book for all those who’re associated with me. Everybody at my college knows about my sexuality and they’ve been pretty fine with it. But in my family, it’s only my sister. She truly is my backbone. She’s seen me go through the entire tunnel and find that light of hope. And I’ve not been even half as good to her as she has been to me. But I guess I love annoying her and I don’t think I can give up doing that to her. Ah! I am so *Evil*!

       Okay so coming back to the reason why I started writing this post. I’ve been getting a lot of flak for things I tend to wear. Especially from those who know am gay and supposedly respect my individuality. But then through these years, I’ve realized that it is far more easy to just say, “I accept you for who you are”, than to actually do that in practice. With my “gayness” comes my mind, my thoughts, my interests, and my entire existence. And just so that you know, am not talking about anybody else except me. I’m not talking about every gay man out there. I do have an effeminate demeanor that I cannot and I do not even wish to hide. I have a friend who is completely fine with my sexuality and deeply respects the queer community. But the day I came out wearing a ring in my ear, he asserted “You’re becoming too ahead and feminine for our times. This might just back-fire!”. And he isn’t the first one to tell that to me. It does happen at the back of our minds. We haven’t been able to accept the concept of cross-dressing. We can’t help ourselves from looking down upon men who dress in a cropped or strapless shirt, hot pants and even short pants for that matter. We can’t help ourselves from thinking, “Is he like really wearing make-up? Like seriously, mascara?” Duh!  So what? Men have always been getting the flak for dressing in a manner that is not “man-enough”.

     I personally don’t like dressing up like the macho man. And I don’t dress like a girl either. I dress like a girly-man. Yes! That is how I’d like to put it. And there is a difference between the above two. For that matter I wouldn’t even look down upon men who dress like women. I mean, what’s wrong in dressing like that? I have just one life. And I want to do all those things that I want to do in my life until and unless that doesn’t adversely affect the people around me. I don’t judge and I would never. I love wearing skin fit jeans. I love wearing pink and prints. I love wearing shorts. And if given an opportunity, I’d love to wear skirts like the one that Marc Jacobs wears. I find them super cool. And I so hope that I someday get to wear those amazing heels. I absolutely love Ellen for that reason. And I feel so happy to see how people have embraced her. She wears what she wants to wear regardless of what the world wants her to wear. She is such a fearless woman and my love and respect for her quadruples every time I see her on her show. Talking about eccentric dressing, and not mentioning about Freddie Mercury is such a crime! He is probably my biggest fashion influence and how I really look up to him. Unafraid and flamboyant in the truest sense. Even after more than twenty years of his death, I’m amazed by the kind of influence he has on people. And why not? How ahead of times must he have been when he thought of wearing all that he wore during his performances. All that he wrote and all that he sang. Every little thing that he depicted in his songs. I can seriously just go on and on. I’m truly and deeply in love with Freddie Mercury, period.

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     The real problem lies inside our minds. We need to broaden our horizons. We need to define the new normal for us. And we need to teach ourselves to live for ourselves and our family first. Accepting my ‘gay’ tag is the easier part. The real difficulty lies in living with it. Accepting me as a gay individual on the whole, is the real difficulty. If I look like a girl when I wear my shorts, then so be it. What use is my life if I can’t feel comfortable in my own skin. And what I wear is at times also what defines me. I want to be not just comfortable but also happy wearing what I wear. What I wear should be your business. Because that is how you are going to learn to accept it. The world around perhaps wouldn’t want me to wear a skirt. But how am I going to make them accept it if I don’t do that. And I do want to do that. Because it makes me happy.

     I often ask this to people(usually the straight ones) who criticize my demeanor. Imagine yourself in the body of the alternate sex and you were to live like that from the next day . For instance you were a woman who loved wearing her sarees, anarkalis, skirts and dresses. But from the next day you have to act like a man. And acting like a man includes- walking, talking, sitting, eating and even sleeping. You have to do all of that like a man. You have to wear only baggy pants and shirts from that day onward. You have to make love to a woman, because that is what the society wants you to do. And vice versa i.e a  man having to live like a woman from the next day onward. Just imagine! Many of us have to live our lives like that forever. Our gender and our sexuality defines a lot more of our being than what we think it does. So learn to respect the choices that people make. Learn to NOT jump to conclusions. Learn to NOT be judgmental. And honestly I’m not saying that my life is more difficult than yours. We all have to go through the same amount of crap and the equal amount of happiness in our lives. But it is important to accept, live and let live.


Once upon a time, there lived a closet.
That devoured every fruit-flavored queer fruit in the world,
Funny it is that they still wished to be feasted upon,
Coz the world was still petrified of the world of queer!
Then, smashing through the closet, came *The Milk*,
Who was out and proud. 😀
Together with his candor and charm,
He made his outlook aloud.
Today that Closet lives in the after-world,
For the (ex-)closeted ones have swirled him into the Universe,
And there is no-one to pity for him in the world.
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